But silently. Silently.

This triptych is the first original story I've written in YEARS. I owe a lot to the writing clinic with my friend Ashara for pushing me to write again.

One.

I drove Miguel to the airport this morning.After an awkward silence, I decided to bite the bullet. 

'So, are you going to be ok?' I asked.

He half-shrugged and turned his face to the window. He still didn't want to talk about it. I tried not to sigh. Damn it, Ana.

As usual around this time of day, the cars inched forward like a race of unruly snails. The aircon was acting up a little, eking out only a thin and feeble relief from the afternoon sun that beat down on the car's roof. The heat from the asphalt radiated through the floor, bringing up a soporific of gasoline and exhaust.

Apace with the traffic, Miguel's head bobbed up and down before settling at a rude angle. It will be painful when he wakes up, I thought with some concern as I studied his sleeping face. All month long I observed Ana and him surreptitiously. 

Miguel, like my daughter Ana, was an only child. We lived next door to Miguel and it was just natural for them to fulfill their sibling fantasies with each other. As they got older, his parents and I started watching more carefully from the sidelines. Miguel's mother and I made the occasional phonecall to compare notes.

When the children turned fifteen, we were invited to Miguel's house for dinner one night. That's when his family told us about their plan to migrate to the US. They promised Miguel he could come home to Manila for a visit in maybe in two, three years.

That was six years ago. Miguel had spent almost a month with us. I knew from the first week or so that trouble was brewing. Ana grew more and more distant, toward the end she was almost hostile. Miguel became my responsibility soon enough. Nobody told me anything. Nobody needed to.

I finally pulled into NAIA. He shook himself awake and gathered his things. As we hugged goodbye, he gripped me as tightly as he contained the grief and anger within him. I looked into the wall of tears that glistened in his eyes. I stroked his hair like a mother would. Then I kissed him, as a woman.

He stumbled backward, confused. A thousand thoughts sifted through his face.

'Puta!' he decided, stumbling as he half-ran from me. He kept screaming and he pushed himself through the crowd. 'Puta! Puta! Puta!'

I walked away from the searching, shocked faces as quickly as I could to the safety of the car.

Two.

He poured her a cup of coffee. 'Thank you so much for being here' he told her.

'Of course, Jim.' She smiled at him. 'I know what Ella's going through. But she is strong. Stronger than most.'

'All of you at the women's clinic have just been so supportive. We've have been relying on you too much, maybe. It's just that… here in Manila, we're a little cut off from her family in Masbate and mine in Chicago.'

'Round-the-clock care is what she'll need for the first month or so. Just that and the people who love her.'

'I really appreciate you staying over last night. I don't know what I would have done without you.'

She patted his hand. 'You just focus on Ella and that beautiful boy of yours.'

He blinked back sudden tears.'While you were reading to her yesterday,' he said, 'I took Basti to the playground.' 

He stood up and walked to the counter that separated the kitchen from the family room. He watched the boy roll trucks, ambulances and police cars through a makeshift highway of assorted books. The TV lights flickered in staccato. 

'I ran into a neighbor.' Jim continued to watch Basti, who played without smiling.

'We were talking about Ella's condition for a long time while Basti played on the swing and on the slide. Then, we suddenly noticed he was crying. He said that his tummy hurt, but I think he was upset by what we were saying. Children are so sensitive…' He trailed off and seemed unable to speak any further. She finished her coffee and left soon after.

Later, when she got home and showered, she thought about Jim. How she had hoped that he would sneak into her bedroom last night. Kiss her awake with his scratchy face. Fuck her without undressing. He would slip in and they would just fit. She would be warm from slumber and so, so wet. He would be thick and not too long, and he would be strong, muscular, compact.

Maybe she wouldn't have let him fuck her all the way, she thought, as she lathered soap over her arms and legs. No, she would. But silently. Silently. At the end, he would touch her cheek, hoist up his pants and she would know by the subtle creaking of the floor and the bfft of the door that he would be gone.

Three.

When you sipped wine out of my glass, possessively, it startled me. You took a drag from my cigarette and gave it back. Damp, like before. 

The whole gang decided to play the silly games we used to play after work. We would strike up random conversations with unsuspecting people at the bar. We would lie blithely to their faces about being a doctor or an NBI agent or a call girl, whatever; then we would return to the group and report. 

'My turn,' I said, walking up to a red-faced guy. I kept my back turned to you while he slobbered and blabbered. He told me that he was from Australia and worked at a bank in Singapore. He was in the Philippines for a little surf, sun and sex. I just kept smiling and nodding, a little unsure of how to play anymore. Then the guy started to grab me, and I backed away. I fled to you and you took me in your arms. Possessively.

'We're having another baby,' you told us earlier. When we were still sober. And I made the right noises of surprise and happiness along with the chorus.

Well, actually, I have more than a few questions. And I want you to be honest. You were miserable with her before--how could that possibly change, four kids and 16 years down the line?

You told me  that you were never happier, never, than when we were together. When we turned to each other, away from her and away from Carlos. Away from our misery. 

We swam in the crystal blue waters of Boracay, in the bright summer sun. And we swam into each other under the cover of a million stars, and the moon. Was I so wrong to think that we could have gone on like that, day and night, month after month, for another 16, 20, 30 years?

The last time we saw each other, Boracay was a distant memory. You said it had to stop. And I said that I would excise you from my life. I sent you a letter with 100 pesos worth of stamps on it, so that there would be no doubt you would read what I wrote a hundred times: I don't ever want to see you again.

Years went by and so we let bygones be. And here we are again, in the midst of our good friends. The aging youth troops from the heyday of the Ramos administration, before Erap got elected to shit all over our social reform agenda. When Ana was just five. When Carlos and I had just begun to hate each other.

We all drink, eat, laugh. We recount our stories. We get up-to-date. As if nothing ever happened. 

Yet a separate track runs through my mind, playing on repeat:

Just say the word, and I'll be yours again. Possess me, possess me.

Human Rights in ASEAN: A view from two regions

On 18^th February in Jakarta, the ASEAN Inter-governmental Commission on Human Rights (AICHR) concluded its second deliberation over the long-anticipated ASEAN Human Rights Declaration (AHRD).

Since the drafting process began last July, a number of analysts and activists have criticized the lack of transparency in the process. Consultation with civil society organizations has been limited to national discussions in some countries. However, meaningful consultations require information and the AICHR is encouraged to release an official draft as soon as possible. Speculation over an early draft leaked online will otherwise continue to be counter-productive for all parties concerned.

In a promising development, the AICHR committed to organizing two regional consultations on the AHRD in the coming months to encourage inputs from civil society groups. “This is a people-oriented document. Of course we have to consult the people and dialogue with them,” says Ambassador Rosario Manalo, Philippine Representative to the AICHR.

Speaking in Prague last November to over 100 officials and civil society participants at the 11^th Informal Asia-Europe Meeting (ASEM) Seminar on Human Rights, Indonesian Representative to the AICHR and then Chairman Mr. Rafendi Djamin emphasized that: “This Declaration will be a major step for ASEAN and shall add value to the existing international and regional instruments on human rights.”

The largest regular dialogue on human rights between the two regions, the Prague seminar brought together national human rights commissioners, human rights ambassadors, representatives of justice and foreign affairs ministries, academics, activists and human rights defenders from 42 Asian and European countries. Among the participants were AICHR representatives from Indonesia, Thailand, the Philippines and Singapore.

The discussions did not focus exclusively on the AICHR but rather more broadly on regional mechanisms and their procedural effectiveness, national institutions and the interplay among mechanisms at different levels, including at the United Nations.

Discussions pooled participants’ expertise and familiarity with other regional bodies in Europe, the Americas and Africa, providing interesting observations for the relatively young AICHR as the only regional human rights body in Asia.

First, the UDHR and international human rights treaties provide the minimum standards for human rights protection by national and regional bodies.

The AICHR terms of reference articulate the body’s aim to uphold international human rights standards as prescribed by the UDHR, the Vienna Declaration and Programme of Action, and international human rights instruments “to which ASEAN Member States are parties.” This need not mean the lowest common denominator. Moreover, the ASEAN has moved forward on the rights of women and children as well as of migrant workers through specific initiatives.

Second, a regional human rights body could play an intermediary but potentially critical role between international and national systems. Where a regional court exists, sanctions can be made against states that violate their human rights obligations. Regional bodies may also help to prevent violations through the exercise of political or moral influence. Regional frameworks can serve as the impetus to improve domestic law by setting higher standards, in consonance with international frameworks.

There are many other examples where a regional body might serve an acute function within the mosaic of available mechanisms, tailoring solutions to the specific needs of the region. The AICHR’s terms of reference endow it with a mandate for both human rights promotion and protection; more could be done to fully explore the potential of the latter.

Third, human rights start at home. The AICHR could envision a mechanism that involves National Human Rights Institutions (NHRIs) where they exist. Some NHRIs possess an indispensable protection mandate that complements the AICHR’s current focus on the promotion of human rights.

Moreover, a number of NHRIs in the Asia-Pacific have more experience than others--including European counterparts--in handling individual complaints and facilitating redress through courts.

A regional-national link has promise in ASEAN, considering that half of the member states have NHRIs (Indonesia, Malaysia, the Philippines, Thailand, and—recently—Myanmar; Cambodia is in the process of setting one up). “NHRIs do not only have a responsibility limited to national issues because they are faced with cross-border as well as transnational issues”, says Prof. Amara Pongsapich, Chairperson of the National Human Rights Commission of Thailand.


The Prague Report suggests that “there is value in exploring the development of minimum international standards for regional human rights mechanisms”, as no such standards have been defined.

Thanks, Noot, for getting me a copy!

Despite any dissatisfaction over the AHRD drafting process and how the AICHR works, one must not lose sight of the immense opportunity that a human rights body in Asia—warts and all—represents. The process of creating the AICHR was not an easy one to begin with; yet it now exists, contrary to reasonable expectations a decade ago. Any possible evolution of the AICHR towards the realm of human rights protection will almost certainly be a slow process, apace with political developments in the region.

In time, we will more clearly assess the impact of the AICHR and AHRD on the lives of the region's people, in the fulfillment of their fundamental rights and freedoms.

Sol Iglesias is Director for Intellectual Exchange at the Asia-Europe Foundation but writes here in a personal capacity.

hallelujah jesu... tagore and villa

'Your father told us that he was a practicing agnostic,' a former student of his once told me. He would start teaching a class and end up telling all sorts of anecdotes about places he's traveled to, things he's done. 23 years since he died and I'm still running into his students all over the world. 'I knew your father,' they tell me. 'He was very funny.'

My Dad, to me, was a gorilla of a man. That is, from the vantage of not being much higher than knee level when I was around four. I was fascinated when he shaved in the morning, and by the way he bounded up and down the stairs, or whistled as he tended to the orchids and the garden. He told off-color jokes in the car as we drove to Church on Sunday mornings. After a long day at work, he'd dispense with niceties, grunt and point at food on the table to be kindly passed over to him. 'What do you say...?' we'd giggle, four girls, prim and proper. 'Kanin', he'd growl--rice--brooking no dissent.

Many years ago, I smoked something that had a really strange effect on me. I regressed to my childhood. I spoke in an odd, high-pitched voice--which left my throat sore for hours afterwards-- in secondhand, international school English.

I was three at first, scared of the dark and not recognizing anyone around me. I talked about my family and how I so badly wanted to go to school with my sisters but wasn't allowed. As the night deepened, I grew up. Four, five, six, seven, eight. As I chattered about this and that, I would once in a while realize that something bad was about to happen. Something was coming.

Thirteen. I re-live knocking on our gate as usual. Tat-tat-a-tat-tat, tat-tat. May opens the door and starts weeping. 'Daddy died,' she barely manages to say. Heart attack. I push past her, asking 'Where's mommy? Where's mommy?' They were still in Ulan Bator. The phone keeps ringing. Arrangements were made to fly Dad's body back via Beijing. Mom would be home in a few days. Gay was on her way home from UP, Anna was still at school and didn't know what was happening. Anna was just eight years old.

At some stage, I retreat upstairs to my room, crack open my Biology textbook and read about earthworms, phylum Annelida, as if it were the most important thing in the world.

by Gabriel U. Iglesias, undated.

The Cat

He grimaces, reaches over and grabs the cigarette from between my lips. I just shrug.

'I should be fuming,' I tell him. 'Literally.'

'Why would you want to do such a thing at such a young age?'

'Precisely because I am fifteen,' I tell him evilly. 'I am beautiful and invincible; nothing can mar my perfection.'

'Be that as it may,' he drawls, 'but you stink of stale tobacco.'

I roll my eyes. Always the same routine. I arrive at his house. The maid brings us some coffee or tea. The books and sheets are on the table as props. After some banter, he will eventually ask her to leave us in silence for the hour of our lesson.

'My boyfriend doesn't mind you know...' I doodle with practiced casualness on the corner of my notebook.

'Your boyfriend is an imbecile.'

'To be fair, he is a moron.'

'I am sure that must be a relief to you.'

Today is math and I am bored, so I decide to play cat-and-mouse. And today I would be the cat.

I stand up and walk around the table, sit on his lap and wind my arms around his neck.

'Not much. That's why I enjoy my time with you.' 

He sits unmoved and methodically extricates me from his body, first one arm then the next before easing me off his lap to the chair beside him.

'Indeed,' he says, 'trying to get out of your geometry tutorial, I see?'

I would have pouted if it could have made a difference. 'I'd rather continue our last lesson on literature or film. Geometry is boring because there is no challenge. The way we're tested in school is just to see how we we memorize the formulas and how they are applied. Proof isn't about discovery--it's rote imitation of what the text book says.'

'Quite the contrary, my dear. The elegance of the proof is in the fewer steps it takes to reach your conclusion.' He smiled. 'Like chess.'

'Unless you were a slave, it must have been fascinating to have been in ancient Egypt around the time they discovered all these spatial relations and patterns et cetera. But in any case, I think I'll be able to pass without having to waste another hour of my life on it. 

'Especially when it's my one hour of the week with you.'

He relents and walks to the shelves. 'Fine,' he sighs, 'pick one that you wish to discuss.'

I slink over and pull out a copy of Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller. It is about an inch thick, cloth-bound and features little more than the title and author on the cover. Almost imperceptibly, he raises an eyebrow but says nothing as he takes it from me. He gestures toward the sofa by the bay windows, a loveseat, and we sit. I snuggle against him and tuck my legs underneath as he flips through the book.

I stare at the pendant lamp hanging from the center of the ceiling and slowly curl a lock of hair around a finger as I speak: 'Let's start with the assumption that my interest doesn't merely stem from the profanity, vulgarity and sexuality of the text. While I do think that the literary value of Miller's early work is exaggerated, the only interest I see in it is what it means, but doesn't say, about the nature of art. 

'He talks about him being a writer in Paris, metaphorically and literally prostituting his talent for his next meal. The part with the Indian that defecates in the bidet summarizes the necessary ugliness of his writing: the book is at the same time about his being a writer but without explanation of the art of writing. Instead, he focuses on the painful and human hunger for food, sex, shelter.'

I feel him laugh, I hear that there is no mirth in it. 'Straight out of an online study guide' he comments to himself or to me.

I'm glad that he can't see hot tears immediately spring out of my humiliation and acute hatred for him. I struggle to breathe evenly while waiting for him to continue.

'The book is worth something simply because of the sex in it' he says. I turn halfway to see if he is joking. He's looking at me with some mix of arrogance and pity. I want to rip his face off and turn away, forcing myself to maintain our physical contact. 

I am the cat, I say silently to my body: stay still.

24 October, 2009. Singapore. Dusted off, proofread and published.

Nasty, brutish and whiny

Found in a drawer, gathering dust: a heretofore unpublished Do-Gooders Anonymous cartoon featuring The World According to Raymond...

ljubljana

I went to Ljubljana last month, finding it the rather prosperous and 'fully European' capital of Slovenia. This was almost exactly 30 years after my father was inspired by what he saw in what was then still Yugoslavia--as yet untorn by war and dissolution.

Dad had been a consultant to the International Centre for Public Enterprises in Developing Countries, in Ljubljana. Throughout 1980 to 1982, he spent his time there on conferences and training. He also worked with the Centre on various management training projects in Karachi, then 'West' Berlin, and Kuala Lumpur.

I explained the family connection to a Slovenian colleague, who speculated that the link could have come by way of Yugoslavia's active involvement in the Non-Aligned Movement as one of its founders.

He wrote here about spring while he was in the midst of autumn. The Alpine vista seemed to evoke a yearning for some elusive repose. Perhaps he was simply depicting a struggle to hold fast to a dream during that moment between unconsciousness and consciousness, holding fast to the moments before the day has to begin.

I myself longed to savor Ljubljana a little longer, but couldn't as, indeed, "in the morning the players depart, somewhere other players are about to start."

Party Playlist

Mostly old but loved songs; sappy happy pappy at the start, homeclubby and dancey in the middle, then kinda elegantly wasted at the end. 8 hours 2 minutes 29 seconds.

Song	Artist	Album
Lily (My One And Only)	Smashing Pumpkins	Mellon Collie And The Infinite Sadness - Twilight To Starlight
Unwind	Sonic Youth	Washing Machine
I Thought I Saw Your Face Today	Zooey Deschanel, M. Ward	She & Him
Porcelain	Red Hot Chili Peppers	Californication
Australia	The Shins	Wincing The Night Away
Tymps (The Sick In the Head Song)	Fiona Apple	Extraordinary Machine
There Is a Light That Never Goes Out (Edit)	Morrissey	Redondo Beach - EP
Someday	The Strokes	Is This It?
Yellow Sun	The Raconteurs	Broken Boy Soldiers
Eleanor Put Your Boots On	Franz Ferdinand	You Could Have It So Much Better
Silent Sigh (Acoustic Version)	Badly Drawn Boy	Silent Sigh
Strangers in the Night	Cake	b-sides and rarities
Hotel Song	Regina Spektor	Begin to Hope (Bonus Track Version)
Love Will Keep Us Together	Captain & Teneille
My baby just cares for me	Nina Simone
To The End	Blur	Parklife
After Hours	The Velvet Underground	The Velvet Underground
The Very Thought of You	Nat King Cole	Love Songs
Anybody Else But You	The Moldy Peaches	The Moldy Peaches
Summerbreeze	Emiliana Torrini	BTVS-Radio Sunnydale
Summer Grof	The Spinto Band	Moonwink
Grace Kelly	Mika	Life In Cartoon Motion
Dancing in the Moonlight	Toploader
Everybody Got Their Something	Nikka Costa	BTVS-Radio Sunnydale
Goodbye Song	The Moldy Peaches	The Moldy Peaches
World Before Columbus	Suzanne Vega
Piazza, New York Catcher	Belle & Sebastian	Juno (Music from the Motion Picture)
No Rain	Blind Melon
Little Wing	Jimi Hendrix	Experience Hendrix: The Best of Jimi Hendrix
What Katie Did	The Libertines	The Libertines
Your Heart Is An Empty Room	Death Cab For Cutie	Plans [Bonus Track]
Littlest Things	Lily Allen	Alright, Still
Love Me Like You	The Magic Numbers	The Magic Numbers
Somewhere Else	Razorlight
Starlight	Muse	Black Holes & Revelations
Virgin State Of Mind	K's Choice	BTVS-Radio Sunnydale
Billie Browne	Mika	Life In Cartoon Motion
The Zephyr Song	Red Hot Chili Peppers	By The Way
Drive	Incubus	Make Yourself
Pursuit of Happiness	Nuno	Schizophonic
Belong	R.E.M.	Out Of Time
Bohemian like you	The Dandy Warhols	BTVS-Radio Sunnydale
Shiver (Joe Whiley Lunchtime Social)	Coldplay	Trouble (B-Sides) - EP
My Hero	Foo Fighters	Skin And Bones
Cause=Time	Broken Social Scene	You Forgot It in People
This is How It Goes	Aimee Mann	Lost in Space
Thinking About You	Radiohead	Pablo Honey
Rudie Can't Fail	The Clash	London Calling
Lithium	Nirvana	Nevermind
All is Full of Love	Death Cab For Cutie	The Photo Album
Sunshine and Clouds (And Everything Proud)	Clap Your Hands Say Yeah	Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Everyday I Love You Less And Less	Kaiser Chiefs	Employment
Hard To Concentrate	Red Hot Chili Peppers	Stadium Arcadium: Mars [Disc 2]
Road To Ruin	The Libertines	The Libertines
Cheated Hearts	Yeah Yeah Yeahs	Show Your Bones
Dakota	Stereophonics	Dakota - Single
I Turn My Camera On	Spoon	Gimme Fiction
Another Devil Dies	Badly Drawn Boy	One Plus One Is One
Criminal	Fiona Apple	Tidal
Leaving So Soon?	Keane	Under The Iron Sea
This Charming Man	The Smiths
Caring Is Creepy	The Shins	Oh, Inverted World
I Fought the Law	Green Day	I Fought the Law - Single
The Importance Of Being Idle	Oasis	Don't Believe The Truth
Is This Love?	Clap Your Hands Say Yeah	Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Yeah Is What We Had	Grandaddy	Sumday
Dr. Strangeluv	Blonde Redhead	23
Lover I Don't Have to Love	Bright Eyes	LIFTED or the Story Is in the Soil, Keep Your Ear to the Ground
Looks Just Like the Sun	Broken Social Scene	You Forgot It in People
Never, Never Gonna Give You Up	Cake	b-sides and rarities
London Calling	The Clash	London Calling
Don't Panic	Coldplay	Parachutes
Tiny Vessels	Death Cab For Cutie	Transatlanticism
You & Me Song	The Wannadies	Bagsy Me
Evil	Interpol	Antics
Can't Stand Me Now	The Libertines	The Libertines
I Predict A Riot	Kaiser Chiefs	Employment
Alright	Supergrass	Supergrass Is 10: Best of 94-04
Beautiful Ones	Suede
Common People	Pulp	Pulp Hits
Creep (Originally By Radiohead)	Richard Cheese	Lounge Against the Machine
Do You Remember The First Time?	Pulp	Pulp Hits
The First Of The Gang To Die.mp3	The Smiths
Forever Lost	The Magic Numbers	Forever Lost - Single
Hang the DJ	The Smiths
Helicopter	Bloc Party	Silent Alarm
Honest Mistake	The Bravery	No Brakes
Monster	The Automatic Automatic	Monster - Single
Mr. Brightside (Jacques Lu Cont's Thin White Duke Mix)	The Killers	Mr. Brightside (Jacques Lu Cont's Thin White Duke Mix) Single
Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt	We Are Scientists	With Love and Squalor
Oh Mandy	The Spinto Band	Nice and Nicely Done
The Passenger	Iggy Pop	Lust for Life
Regret	New Order	Republic (US Release)
Human	The Killers	Day & Age (Deluxe Version)
Sit Down	James	Gold Mother
Such Great Heights	The Postal Service	Give Up
Time Is Running Out	Muse	Absolution
Titanium Expose	Sonic Youth	Goo
Wake Up	The Arcade Fire	Funeral
We Used to Be Friends	The Dandy Warhols
When You Were Young	The Killers	Sam's Town
Year 2000	Pulp
Young Folks	Peter Bjorn and John	Writer's Block
The Well And The Lighthouse	The Arcade Fire	Neon Bible
So Here We Are	Bloc Party	Silent Alarm
Next To Argyle	Scissors for Lefty	Underhanded Romance
1979	Smashing Pumpkins	Mellon Collie And The Infinite Sadness - Twilight To Starlight
Mr. Jones	Counting Crows
American Pie	Don McLean	American Pie
Son Of A Preacher Man	Dusty Springfield	Pulp Fiction
Boulevard Of Broken Dreams	Green Day	American Idiot
any way the wind blows (9)	Frank Zappa & The Mothers of Invention	Freak Out!
Are You Gonna Be My Girl	Jet	Are You Gonna Be My Girl - Single
All Along The Watchtower	Jimi Hendrix	Experience Hendrix: The Best of Jimi Hendrix
A Well Respected Man	The Kinks	Juno (Music from the Motion Picture)
Devil In Me	22-20s	3-May
Ride	The Vines	Winning Days
Sunburn	Muse	Showbiz
She's A Rejecter	Of Montreal	Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer?
Paint it Black	The Rolling Stones	Aftermath
Garden Grove	Sublime	Sublime
In The Cold Cold Night	The White Stripes	Elephant
The Fountain	Echo and the Bunnymen	The Fountain
Endlessly	Muse	Absolution
Skyscrapers	OK Go	Of the Blue Colour of the Sky
Já Sei Namorar	Tribalistas	Tribalistas
02 Tom Courtenay (Acoustic)	Yo La Tengo	Camp Yo La Tengo
Music When The Lights Go Out	The Libertines	The Libertines

rock is dead. long live paper and scissors!

My new career objective is to get wikileaked

New do-gooders anonymous cartoon! First one in years...

When you stare into the abyss

When I was in kindergarten, six years old, a couple of girls in my class came crying to me saying that Brian tried to kiss them. Brian, poor misfit Brian, who never could quite make friends with ease. I was his only friend--or at least I was the only one who talked to him--but he made the girls cry and for some reason it was my job to deal with it. I found him on a swing in the playground and told him to stop. He said he wouldn't. Will you stop if I punch you in the nose?, I asked him. As it were, he forced my hand by attempting to kiss me.

All the inevitable consequences were the result: tears (his, not mine), my teacher calling in my big sister from the fourth grade, my parents' bemusement.

Three decades later almost, and my head is still a mess over how to deal with anger. Something happened to me recently, something bad. Something that broke the circuit breaker in my head that stops me from exploding into a conflagration of rage and disdain.

I just can't seem to deal with anybody's bullshit anymore. From small to big things, I seem to have lost the ability to know when I should just walk away from a fight. Let the other guy win. Take a couple of hits once in a while for the sake of keeping things civilized and on an even keel.

But then something tells me Don't back down. Show 'em you ain't some little girly girl scout selling cookies.

That really bad thing that happened to me, it made me grieve like I haven't grieved in a long, long time. Then after grief came anger. I got all Dark Phoenix, destroyer of worlds, and for the life of me I can't be mild-mannered Jean Grey again.

I think I have mostly gotten over the sheer sense of betrayal and utter WTFedness of the situation. But what got me through wasn't truth or beauty; it was darkness and fury. It was anger that showed me the way forward.

Well. The abyss stares back.

Location:Keplerova,Prague 5,Czech Republic