Thursday, October 20, 2011

ljubljana


I went to Ljubljana last month, finding it the rather prosperous and 'fully European' capital of Slovenia. This was almost exactly 30 years after my father was inspired by what he saw in what was then still Yugoslavia--as yet untorn by war and dissolution.

Dad had been a consultant to the International Centre for Public Enterprises in Developing Countries, in Ljubljana. Throughout 1980 to 1982, he spent his time there on conferences and training. He also worked with the Centre on various management training projects in Karachi, then 'West' Berlin, and Kuala Lumpur.

I explained the family connection to a Slovenian colleague, who speculated that the link could have come by way of Yugoslavia's active involvement in the Non-Aligned Movement as one of its founders.

He wrote here about spring while he was in the midst of autumn. The Alpine vista seemed to evoke a yearning for some elusive repose. Perhaps he was simply depicting a struggle to hold fast to a dream during that moment between unconsciousness and consciousness, holding fast to the moments before the day has to begin.

I myself longed to savor Ljubljana a little longer, but couldn't as, indeed, "in the morning the players depart, somewhere other players are about to start."

Friday, March 25, 2011

Party Playlist

Mostly old but loved songs; sappy happy pappy at the start, homeclubby and dancey in the middle, then kinda elegantly wasted at the end. 8 hours 2 minutes 29 seconds.

Song Artist Album
Lily (My One And Only) Smashing Pumpkins Mellon Collie And The Infinite Sadness - Twilight To Starlight
Unwind Sonic Youth Washing Machine
I Thought I Saw Your Face Today Zooey Deschanel, M. Ward She & Him
Porcelain Red Hot Chili Peppers Californication
Australia The Shins Wincing The Night Away
Tymps (The Sick In the Head Song) Fiona Apple Extraordinary Machine
There Is a Light That Never Goes Out (Edit) Morrissey Redondo Beach - EP
Someday The Strokes Is This It?
Yellow Sun The Raconteurs Broken Boy Soldiers
Eleanor Put Your Boots On Franz Ferdinand You Could Have It So Much Better
Silent Sigh (Acoustic Version) Badly Drawn Boy Silent Sigh
Strangers in the Night Cake b-sides and rarities
Hotel Song Regina Spektor Begin to Hope (Bonus Track Version)
Love Will Keep Us Together Captain & Teneille
My baby just cares for me Nina Simone
To The End Blur Parklife
After Hours The Velvet Underground The Velvet Underground
The Very Thought of You Nat King Cole Love Songs
Anybody Else But You The Moldy Peaches The Moldy Peaches
Summerbreeze Emiliana Torrini BTVS-Radio Sunnydale
Summer Grof The Spinto Band Moonwink
Grace Kelly Mika Life In Cartoon Motion
Dancing in the Moonlight Toploader
Everybody Got Their Something Nikka Costa BTVS-Radio Sunnydale
Goodbye Song The Moldy Peaches The Moldy Peaches
World Before Columbus Suzanne Vega
Piazza, New York Catcher Belle & Sebastian Juno (Music from the Motion Picture)
No Rain Blind Melon
Little Wing Jimi Hendrix Experience Hendrix: The Best of Jimi Hendrix
What Katie Did The Libertines The Libertines
Your Heart Is An Empty Room Death Cab For Cutie Plans [Bonus Track]
Littlest Things Lily Allen Alright, Still
Love Me Like You The Magic Numbers The Magic Numbers
Somewhere Else Razorlight
Starlight Muse Black Holes & Revelations
Virgin State Of Mind K's Choice BTVS-Radio Sunnydale
Billie Browne Mika Life In Cartoon Motion
The Zephyr Song Red Hot Chili Peppers By The Way
Drive Incubus Make Yourself
Pursuit of Happiness Nuno Schizophonic
Belong R.E.M. Out Of Time
Bohemian like you The Dandy Warhols BTVS-Radio Sunnydale
Shiver (Joe Whiley Lunchtime Social) Coldplay Trouble (B-Sides) - EP
My Hero Foo Fighters Skin And Bones
Cause=Time Broken Social Scene You Forgot It in People
This is How It Goes Aimee Mann Lost in Space
Thinking About You Radiohead Pablo Honey
Rudie Can't Fail The Clash London Calling
Lithium Nirvana Nevermind
All is Full of Love Death Cab For Cutie The Photo Album
Sunshine and Clouds (And Everything Proud) Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Everyday I Love You Less And Less Kaiser Chiefs Employment
Hard To Concentrate Red Hot Chili Peppers Stadium Arcadium: Mars [Disc 2]
Road To Ruin The Libertines The Libertines
Cheated Hearts Yeah Yeah Yeahs Show Your Bones
Dakota Stereophonics Dakota - Single
I Turn My Camera On Spoon Gimme Fiction
Another Devil Dies Badly Drawn Boy One Plus One Is One
Criminal Fiona Apple Tidal
Leaving So Soon? Keane Under The Iron Sea
This Charming Man The Smiths
Caring Is Creepy The Shins Oh, Inverted World
I Fought the Law Green Day I Fought the Law - Single
The Importance Of Being Idle Oasis Don't Believe The Truth
Is This Love? Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Yeah Is What We Had Grandaddy Sumday
Dr. Strangeluv Blonde Redhead 23
Lover I Don't Have to Love Bright Eyes LIFTED or the Story Is in the Soil, Keep Your Ear to the Ground
Looks Just Like the Sun Broken Social Scene You Forgot It in People
Never, Never Gonna Give You Up Cake b-sides and rarities
London Calling The Clash London Calling
Don't Panic Coldplay Parachutes
Tiny Vessels Death Cab For Cutie Transatlanticism
You & Me Song The Wannadies Bagsy Me
Evil Interpol Antics
Can't Stand Me Now The Libertines The Libertines
I Predict A Riot Kaiser Chiefs Employment
Alright Supergrass Supergrass Is 10: Best of 94-04
Beautiful Ones Suede
Common People Pulp Pulp Hits
Creep (Originally By Radiohead) Richard Cheese Lounge Against the Machine
Do You Remember The First Time? Pulp Pulp Hits
The First Of The Gang To Die.mp3 The Smiths
Forever Lost The Magic Numbers Forever Lost - Single
Hang the DJ The Smiths
Helicopter Bloc Party Silent Alarm
Honest Mistake The Bravery No Brakes
Monster The Automatic Automatic Monster - Single
Mr. Brightside (Jacques Lu Cont's Thin White Duke Mix) The Killers Mr. Brightside (Jacques Lu Cont's Thin White Duke Mix) Single
Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt We Are Scientists With Love and Squalor
Oh Mandy The Spinto Band Nice and Nicely Done
The Passenger Iggy Pop Lust for Life
Regret New Order Republic (US Release)
Human The Killers Day & Age (Deluxe Version)
Sit Down James Gold Mother
Such Great Heights The Postal Service Give Up
Time Is Running Out Muse Absolution
Titanium Expose Sonic Youth Goo
Wake Up The Arcade Fire Funeral
We Used to Be Friends The Dandy Warhols
When You Were Young The Killers Sam's Town
Year 2000 Pulp
Young Folks Peter Bjorn and John Writer's Block
The Well And The Lighthouse The Arcade Fire Neon Bible
So Here We Are Bloc Party Silent Alarm
Next To Argyle Scissors for Lefty Underhanded Romance
1979 Smashing Pumpkins Mellon Collie And The Infinite Sadness - Twilight To Starlight
Mr. Jones Counting Crows
American Pie Don McLean American Pie
Son Of A Preacher Man Dusty Springfield Pulp Fiction
Boulevard Of Broken Dreams Green Day American Idiot
any way the wind blows (9) Frank Zappa & The Mothers of Invention Freak Out!
Are You Gonna Be My Girl Jet Are You Gonna Be My Girl - Single
All Along The Watchtower Jimi Hendrix Experience Hendrix: The Best of Jimi Hendrix
A Well Respected Man The Kinks Juno (Music from the Motion Picture)
Devil In Me 22-20s 3-May
Ride The Vines Winning Days
Sunburn Muse Showbiz
She's A Rejecter Of Montreal Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer?
Paint it Black The Rolling Stones Aftermath
Garden Grove Sublime Sublime
In The Cold Cold Night The White Stripes Elephant
The Fountain Echo and the Bunnymen The Fountain
Endlessly Muse Absolution
Skyscrapers OK Go Of the Blue Colour of the Sky
Já Sei Namorar Tribalistas Tribalistas
02 Tom Courtenay (Acoustic) Yo La Tengo Camp Yo La Tengo
Music When The Lights Go Out The Libertines The Libertines


rock is dead. long live paper and scissors!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

When you stare into the abyss

When I was in kindergarten, six years old, a couple of girls in my class came crying to me saying that Brian tried to kiss them. Brian, poor misfit Brian, who never could quite make friends with ease. I was his only friend--or at least I was the only one who talked to him--but he made the girls cry and for some reason it was my job to deal with it. I found him on a swing in the playground and told him to stop. He said he wouldn't. Will you stop if I punch you in the nose?, I asked him. As it were, he forced my hand by attempting to kiss me.

All the inevitable consequences were the result: tears (his, not mine), my teacher calling in my big sister from the fourth grade, my parents' bemusement.

Three decades later almost, and my head is still a mess over how to deal with anger. Something happened to me recently, something bad. Something that broke the circuit breaker in my head that stops me from exploding into a conflagration of rage and disdain.

I just can't seem to deal with anybody's bullshit anymore. From small to big things, I seem to have lost the ability to know when I should just walk away from a fight. Let the other guy win. Take a couple of hits once in a while for the sake of keeping things civilized and on an even keel.

But then something tells me Don't back down. Show 'em you ain't some little girly girl scout selling cookies.

That really bad thing that happened to me, it made me grieve like I haven't grieved in a long, long time. Then after grief came anger. I got all Dark Phoenix, destroyer of worlds, and for the life of me I can't be mild-mannered Jean Grey again.

I think I have mostly gotten over the sheer sense of betrayal and utter WTFedness of the situation. But what got me through wasn't truth or beauty; it was darkness and fury. It was anger that showed me the way forward.

Well. The abyss stares back.











Location:Keplerova,Prague 5,Czech Republic

Saturday, February 12, 2011

People Power--walking from Tahrir to Edsa


Photo from http://gelsantosrelos.typepad.com with thanks

Overnight on 11th February, the outpouring of comments on facebook were either jubilant (e.g. Magandang umaga, Egypt!) or apprehensive (e.g. Hold your horses if you think tonight that Egypt will suddenly turn into a modern democracy and an advanced economy). After 18 days of popular protest against his regime, Hosni Mubarak stepped down as Egypt's president of the last 30 years. On TV, news anchors pronounced Mubarak's ouster as a triumph of 'people power'.

That reference has a historical connection to us Filipinos, having been coined to describe the culmination of protests that started with the assassination of Ninoy Aquino in 1983, and ended with: a four-day demonstration along Edsa in 1986; a US Navy/Airforce airlift of Ferdinand Marcos and his family to exile in Hawaii on 25th February 25 years ago; and, the swearing-in of Corazon Aquino as President. Martial Law babies like myself watch Egyptians, as well as the Tunisians, Jordanians, Yemenis and others, celebrate Mubarak's departure with wistful nostalgia for 1986.

Democracy is a process and outcome of continuous struggle to protect individual freedoms and human dignity; it is a struggle that never ends, even in more mature democratic political systems. We have had several people-powerish experiences since Edsa, such as the 1997 anti-Cha Cha rallies against changing presidential term limits as well as the 2001 EDSA Dos protests that overthrew Joseph Estrada when the impeachment process in the Senate failed.

There are no oppressors where there are no oppressed; and what we see on our screens today is an oppressed people realizing this. Liberation is possible simply by voting on their feet--without violence. That's a one-of-a-kind, pure shot of empowerment; and that's what Tahrir and EDSA have in common.

The comparison ends there, however.

The jarring element in the story of Egypt is the unqualified welcome given by Egyptians themselves to the military as caretaker. Mohamad ElBaradei has furthermore publicly stated that an election could take place in as long as a year from now. In contrast, 25 years ago in the Philippines, then Defense Minister Juan Ponce Enrile and General Fidel Ramos defected from the Marcos dictatorship when rumors of a purge in the military threatened them. It was Cory Aquino and, Cardinal Archbishop of Manila, Jaime Sin who raised the call for people to come into the streets and also to protect Ramos and Enrile by forming a human barricade around them. Thus the military, complicit in perpetrating human rights violations in the name of counter-insurgency and national interest under Marcos, was relegated a secondary role under civilian authority from the outset. And somehow, Cory weathered the seven coup d'etat attempts throughout the six years of her administration.

This brings me to a second and related point. There is as yet no clear civilian figurehead to lead Egypt through this political transition. ElBaradei is internationally-respected as the three-term Director-General International Atomic Energy Agency head until 2009; since his departure from that office, he was moreover an early voice for Egypt's democratization, and enjoys real distance from the Mubarak regime. But domestically, he is not well known. Then there is the face of the online youth upswelling in this revolution, Wael Ghonim, who has not yet expressed interest in entering politics.

Viewed with great distrust by Israel and the Americans, the Muslim Brotherhood party-- outlawed by Mubarak--may stand the best chance of winning a snap election should there be one. Unlike the social movement that seemed to mushroom out of nowhere, they are organized and reach far outside Cairo.

Perhaps others might emerge. But they will still have the military to deal with. They do not have a Cory Aquino who, as a "plain housewife" and Ninoy's widow, had both the perceived moral ascendancy (backed by the people) and a machinery (backed by a united opposition party) needed to lead the messy transformation toward democracy.

Thirdly: unlike Egypt, the uprising in the Philippines took place after Cory Aquino had won a snap election against Marcos. Cory therefore had the legitimacy to lead; the popular revolt was sparked precisely by Marcos' attempt to steal the choice of leadership away from voters. In a vote marked by intimidation and cheating, many public school teachers, church workers, Commission on Election personnel, NAMFREL election observers and other citizens guarded ballots valiantly. They were Edsa's early heroes and foreshadowed the upheaval that was to come.

Fourth, the Philippine economy had already been decimated and plundered by the Marcoses and the cronies by '86, digging a deep hole out of which we haven't yet to managed to climb. Already by the end of week 1 of the Egypt crisis, economists were already making dire pronouncements that economic collapse would be deep-set and irreversible within days. Egypt, unlike its neighbors does not capitalize on oil but tourism, and had been at an economic standstill for almost three weeks. They are more dependent on a globalized economy than we were in the '80s, and recovery will be more complex.

Finally, the largest complication for Egypt is its delicate position in the dynamics of peace and conflict in the Middle East. Egypt was the first of only two Arab countries to sign a peace treaty with Israel. Egypt also controls access to the Gaza Strip on its Rafah border, although it has partially opened access since last June following the Gaza flotilla incident. Egypt has long been a lever of American and Western influence in the Middle East. In contrast, the eventual closure of the US bases in the Philippines (one key issue that pitted the Senate and civil society against the Aquino government in '92) did not result in devastating consequences for security in the region.

Still, there is cause for celebration. There are dangers to be wary of, yes, but from one more Filipino: Magandang umaga, Egypt. Magandang araw sa inyong lahat.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Celeste and the Huks

Celeste Yap. We were roommates at Molave Residence Hall, my second year at UP. I moved in one afternoon, and met Cel. She was a batch older. She told me that she grew up and studied in Koronadal, in South Cotabato. She would tell us later on that her dad had died when she was younger, her mom had since re-married, and the family was close and happy. She had a boyfriend, Kee, and they were both majoring in Chem as a pre-med.

Cheng, I had already known from our Kalayaan days but barely. Lala, my friend from Kalayaan and Public Ad, despite living elsewhere at UP BLISS, became a permanent fixture in our room.

Coming back to the dorm was really like coming home. For dinner sometimes, we'd buy lechon manok at Philcoa and picnic at the Sunken Garden nearby or in our room. We'd keep each other company at Wendy's along Quezon Ave, studying for mid-terms and finals until four, five AM. We went to campus concerts, watched movies at the film center, and malled together. We saw Reality Bites with the same sense of self-definition that the rest of Gen X on the cusp of Y did. We went through the anxieties of term paper submissions, boyfriends, breakups, silly crushes and the other items on the menu of typical university fare. As stress management during finals, we would blast My Sharona and The Love Shack at 3am, dancing and jumping on the beds (which was a bad move, in retrospect, as you'll see later).

Too late for the First Quarter Storm of the 70s and too early for the Estrada ouster in the 00s, our time at UP wasn't marked by sweeping societal tension. Instead, we were at UP during a brief interim of economic prosperity, a strong peso, a fairly democratic and stable government. If there were issues for student politics then, they were almost of our own making: fraternity violence, in-fighting within the youth wing of the Communist Party of the Philippines, the rise of "pluralist" student leaders who were more concerned over the lack of parking space than the need to organize the rural poor or address the national debt burden...

More germane to this picture was the Hukbalakup: we dubbed ourselves this name, invested with rebellion and vengeance, as a half-joking response to the ridiculous battle of the sexes in which we sometimes found ourselves. The name comes from the Hukbo ng Bayan laban sa Hapon--or Hukbalahap--an armed movement in the countryside formed as guerilla resistance against Japanese occupation in World War II. Ours was the Hukbo ng Bayan Laban sa Kupal. "Kupal" is a noun, literally translated as smegma or the stinky crud build-up between the foreskin and penis; colloquially, used to mean men whose behavior resembles the smelliness and cruddiness of kupal. "Jerk" or "asshole" would be too mild, in comparison. Amid the genteel feminism on campus, we were militant sexists with no patience for the braindead, warfreaked, barbaric and probably unshowered variants of the unfairer sex. We loudly cursed and swore at morons who wolf-whistled as we jogged past--until they slunk away, defeated.

We also stood up to menacing fratboys. In the proto-Hukbalakup days of our freshman year, Lala and I had a run-in with a frat. Two guys cornered us at the Kalayaan dorm lobby one night, armed with 10 of their brods, and hassled us for writing a comic lampooning them over an incident that happened the semester before. Basically, they were caught in a voyeuristic attempt at crawling between the roof and ceiling of the girl's wing showers. When confronted, we pretty much told them to fuck off. That would have been the end of the matter, had the experience not left such a sour taste. So we decided to make a career of standing up to bullies, especially those who least expected it.

Episode 1: Sa Pananaw ni Adan (The World According to Adam)

An intercom announcement warns against using the bathrooms, because some boys have climbed into the ceiling. The girls respond with an unalarmed, "REAAAAALLY????!!!!????"

Episode 2: Balitaktakan ng mga Shit (Shitty Argumentation)

The offenders are depicted as a steaming piece of shit (entirely fictional, bearing no resemblance to any persons kinda shit), saying that it wasn't its intention to be a peeping tom [sob], asking for forgiveness [sniff]; and makes a "but I love my mother" defense for its actions.

Episode 3: Pakialamera (Kibitzer)

With a potent expletive, Fictional Sol tells Fictional Lala the that she heard about some boys who tried to peep into the bathrooms in the Girl's wing. Fictional Lala replies with the same expletive, and shares the news with their friend, Fictional Cocoy. A typical guy, Fictional Cocoy's response: what time do we eat?

Anyway, there was a fifth Huk. That would be our room at Molave. After the pristine innocence and totalitarian regulation of the Kalayaan dormitory for freshmen, Molave was as anarchic as Sodom and Gomorrah. There seemed to be no rules, or at least they weren't enforced. There was no curfew either, so people came back any time through the night and wee hours of morning. There weren't any strict checks on residents bringing in outsiders, hence Lala's ability to come and go as she pleased. We never locked our room door--except on one day: Molave's Open House--but nothing was ever stolen. We never cleaned the room until we moved out in March '95; so throughout the year, one had to wade through piles of books, monster dustbunnies and dirty laundry.

Then, at the end of the year, we were told by the Dorm Manager that he was kicking us out.

We didn't see it coming. Unbeknownst to us, even in the ultra-liberal and permissive Molave environment, we had drawn some unfavorable attention to ourselves. As a norm, Management was indifferent to the inebriation, intoxication and impregnation rampant within the house corridors. However, drawing fake sunglasses on our faces in the photos on our dorm ID/mealcards was treated as a felony. And since there were some complaints over loud music in the middle of the night (!), we were deemed to be unfit for the privilege of staying at their crappy dorm, told to pack and ordered not to return for the next semester.

It would have been devastating if it weren't so funny.

Lala, not being a resident, couldn't get kicked out anyway; no matter how much she wanted to be, for laughs. Cel moved to Yakal I think, and Cheng to UP Bliss with her sorority sisters. The ultimate irony, in my case, is that I was kicked out of Molave but got into Ilang Ilang, alias Campus Convent, an all-girls' residence famous for attracting only the most upstanding young ladies on campus. Even more ironic was that, to get in, I had to work as a Resident Assistant therefore an official Guardian of Chastity of the residing vestal virgins: one of my duties was to make a round of bed checks in the evening and report on curfew violators.

Anyway, the four of us stayed friends throughout college, even if more loosely than before. When we graduated, Cel went on to med school and over time, during her residency, lost touch a little. For a couple of years, Cheng and I worked together on the same project although at different government agencies. Lala went to law school but stayed close. Then I moved away to Singapore, and Cel to the States.

It was a shock to learn on Friday night, through Cheng via facebook, that Cel had died of breast cancer in June. I hadn't thought of Cel in a long time, but I wished I had. Looking through her photos online, I now know that she was married and had a bright-eyed little boy, who looks like he's around three or four. My heart aches for him and his loss. Some comfort though: he has her smile.

Cel was one of the most winsome people I've ever known, and I say this without reservation. We all used to call her Winona--and in the mid-90s, that's about the highest compliment anyone could have gotten. But it was her soul that was blindingly, devastatingly beautiful. Her choosing to be a doctor always made perfect sense. She was smart, compassionate, nurturing, emotionally mature (despite letting us drag her into our mischief) and completely trustworthy.

What I'll never forget about Cel: one morning, waking up to see her staring at her reflection in the mirror for a really long pause, before finally lamenting: "Oh my god. I am so imperfect." That really cracked Cheng and me up at the time, and it still makes me laugh now.

Oh, Cel, you were never that imperfect.


Stolen from her facebook page, modified from the original.

Monday, January 03, 2011

oh yeah well screw you

I lost a year.

An entire year.

On the mistaken belief that I had to keep my head down and drop my pen. That I had no freedom of thought.

It was so hard to start writing again in the first place. I can't believe that I betrayed myself so willingly; and sold my soul to no devil in particular. With nobody asking for it, I handed myself over to the judgement of the stupid and the apathetic and the cowardly. God damn it I cannot even rage decently anymore.

Well, anyway, I'm back.


I'm starting the year out angry.
Don't. Mess. With. Me.