When I turned 29 in March, I decided to get my inevitable mid-life crisis out of my system. Or so I think, as it's always possible that l'll find myself unexpectedly spun as I usually do. To paraphrase Carrie Fisher, I don't lead my life, I just follow it around.
The turning point in one's life is rarely a catastrophic event. It's in the daily choices one makes between getting up in the morning and going to bed at night. Is this the day I'm going to go berserk and book myself on a flight to East Timor?, one might ask oneself. One decides not to, and the day will pass uneventfully, like other days.
Is this the day I start writing that epic novel? The novel that would encompass politics, history and humanity? Win me that Palanca award*? The fact of the matter is, I'm not much of a writer. I kind of realized that in college. I have a few short stories to my name, one or two I may even be proud of (one even in Filipino!** But, unless I change careers and decide to be a postal worker instead, as well as drop some acid, I highly doubt that it's in the stars.
Is this the day I finally start working on my grad school applications? Sometimes, I feel that I've lost sight of why I want to do my PhD in political science. Granted, I really enjoy being in school and living the life on campus. So, it's a lifestyle choice rather than a vocation, really. I pretty much stink at writing and research. I have the ambition, possibly the talent, but not the skills and the dedication to detail.
Have I just lost any sense of imagination? Do I simply lack the ability to re-think myself? Have the options to choose who I can be in life (butcher, baker, candlestick-maker?) closed up on me?
Hell, I should be working on my article on East Timor instead of blogging. Zurds of Kasarinlan, whoever you are, forgive me!
* The Carlos Palanca award is the most prestigious literary award in the Phlippines. When I was a junior in high school, I made it my life's ambition to be the youngest recipient. Well, it felt like a valid life's ambition for a while. I also wanted to be the youngest ever Star Trek TNG novelist; needless to say, that didn't last. Why I don't think Filipinos or, well, me, can credibly write science fiction will be reserved for another post.
** It was a writing assignment for my Filipino language and style class which was oddly but rewardingly a required general elective. Reqiuired general elective; does that actually mean anything? Anyway, it was Domingo Landicho's class. Now that, and my history with a certain classmate, plus a good dose of alcohol, requires another post.
when i grow up, i want to be... murphy brown!
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